


Starlit

by Igglepuff



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, semi sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:38:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Igglepuff/pseuds/Igglepuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I want to die sometimes." He muttered darkly, eyes smoldering over with a depression filled vice. "For real this time. Like my dad..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starlit

  
It wasn't every day that this down time was available, quite the contrary. This world, this time, this echo they found themselves in made John's head reel in exhaustion. As the raven haired man, no, not even that, boy observed his friends the void where his heart should have been ached dully. Slowly the façade upon his face slipped. It was becoming difficult, almost painfully so to keep it up. Even when his friends, human and troll alike, were near.

Tonight, he had no worries about his problem being found out. No one was looking, no one was watching. No one cared in this moment. The fear ridden team was sprawled haphazardly around the sullen cabin they were holed up in. It had been what felt like months, years even. The pain, the blood shead. The deaths. They all shared the simple horror of murder and betrayal. They all made it through... at least in some form. The remnants of the past were still ever present.

Fists clenched and eyes burnig with unshed tears John turned tail and opened the old ceader door without a word to the others. No one seemed to notice as he veered out into the emptiness surrounding their safe haven. From the dimly lit room vermilion eyes glowed as they followed the heir. He felt the uneasy cloud leave and his head dropped in defeat. He knew the feelings John was burying deep within his heart. Karkat himself had felt these notions since he had been ruefully ripped away from the only one who had been with him through it all. He missed him lusus Crabdad, missed him but wouldn't dare say it.

Rising to his feet slowly, chair groaning in anguish as he pushed it backwards. Kanaya looked up at him with her ever observant eyes. "Going out?" She asked offhandedly, it would seem to others, but Karkat understood the true nature of her question. 'Following him?' The Cancer nodded once, not daring himself to speak for fear of his words betraying him. "Bit chilly out." She noted going back to her husktop. 

The world around him was silent. Dead. His mind spat ruefully. Like every thing he'd ever tried to save and protect. His guardian, brutally murdered for harboring a mutant. Terezi's eyes, the light gone for so long, Tavros' legs, Aradia... Aradia a ghost of her former self. He refused to let himself believe that John happy go lucky Egderp would fall victim as well. He cursed and hated himself for letting it come to that.

Finally Karkat pulled his thoughts away from the inevitable and looked up at the starlit sky. The lights reflected back at him coldly, their white light as cold as Derse. His skin crawled at the notion and an involuntary shudder shook through him. This wasn't what was supposed to happen in his life span. He wasn't supposed to be here, playing this game, disappointing everyone he met. He was supposed to have been culled long ago. He was never supposed to feel. To feel anything. It was hilarious, these feelings he felt for the human children. He felt... responsible for them. Even 'cool kid' Strider. These were not feelings any troll should ever indulge in. The one exception was the reason he was out here, unforgiving sky above, and beckoning ground below.

Egbert. The bucked tooth insufferable idiot who played to many pranks, was to caught up in everyone else's feelings to care for his own. The heir of Breath who had been a shell of himself since his father's brutal untimely death. John, the boy thrust into man hood before his time to save everyone. John, the no homo teen who was lost even to himself in every quadrant, or whatever equivalency the humans had. John, the man Karkat looked up to for strength and courage. John, the boy Karkat found himself waxing red for with every beat of his unfavorable heart.

"...Karkat?" The uncertain voice wrenched the candy trollsthoughts back to the nightmare he was surrounded in. He hadn't even been aware that he was walking, he just... was. By a stroke of luck the afore mentioned troll had wandered to the base of a small emerald green knoll hill upon the hill the large tree that beaconed them there stood proud againt the dead weight of time and space itself. Among the gnarled and twisted roots sat the lanky teen he had set out to bring home. 

John's eyes were dull as he watched Karkat approach wearily. The air surrounding was thick as the supor slime the trolls had found comfort in. Both knew why the other was here, John for solace, Karkat to comfort when none was found. The idea of one comforting one who was not a moirail was absurd to the Cancer at first and yet, with the human child the aspect seemes natural. He felt the underlain urge to protect and care for him. Side stepping many of the dark protrusions the Knight found himself amidst the true chaos as the wind whirled haphazardly around them, mimicking it's masters inner turmoil. Ignoring every fiber in his body screaming and yowling at him to turn tail and leave like the wriggler he was Karkat sat between the large gap in the roots about a foot from his companion. 

"What are you doing?" No other words were said, yet the weight if it crushed the atmosphere chilling it and taunting the feelings to be confessed. Karkat didn't instantly answer the defeated sigh. Instead he chose to examine the pearlesant lake below the opposing side he had ascended. John didn't seem to rush his reply either and the sat in silence for a long moment until Karkat mumbled a quiet 'Looking for you Fuckass.' And a ghostly smile found the bucktoothed mouth. It didn't reach his eyes though. It never really did now... though only Karkat seemed to notice. 

"I'm scared, Karkat." The lanky boy beside him finally muttered. His eyes were downcast looking out over the still gruesome lake below. A hollow lifeless laugh filled the space as it ripped itself from John's lips. "I die every time I close my eyes. Everyone dies." His hands flexed, fingers curling and extending in a quiet manner, almost as if they didn't even belong to him, he watched. Karkat sat motionless. They both new this talk was coming. They both new at this stage of the game, their pawns slowly being put back in the box, the Knight and King must face the on coming storm alone. "You die..." the empty reverberation of his voice shook Karkat to his core. 

Reaching across the limitless space between them Karkat took the lightly tanned, yet sickly olive human hand within his own. The striking contrast between ashen grey and pale bruised peach still stunned the Cancer. It hadn't been long since the two groups had twined, and yet it felt like months, years even next to the boy. With each passing day though, the boy grew colder and more sickly looking. The idea scared Karkat more then anything, the idea of pitying the boy wasn't as alien to him as the idea of John slipping away. 

Karkat couldn't bring himself to make the retort he wanted. Couldn't make the customary smartass comment of 'we've all died before already.' There was the lost distant look on John Egbert's face as he looked at their intertwined fingers that dared to reflect hope and life among the dull features. How black would their relationship be if he ignored his instinct to utter those words anyway? His grip on the fragile yet deadly hands strengthened; no, that was not what he wanted. Not what John needed in this moment of the doomed timeline they were in. "Your worthless human friends are all fine, John." He tried finally. 

A hesitant chuckle and a weak squeeze of nimble fingers told the mutant Knight his comfort was accepted. It was a strange feeling that sent shivers down his spinal chord. This was not the comfort moirail's could give. It went deeper then that, it transcended timelines, it was so much more intimate and red then the customary pale feelings. It made a warm ember in the cold congealing air around them and Karkat just wanted more of the inviting feelings. 

"I am… usually not as devastated over losing them though." John confined solemnly, his voice cracking slightly. The sound didn't go unnoticed, and the troll filed it away as a sound he never wanted the human to utter ever again. He involuntarily scooted closer as the small drained voice continued almost forced. "Don't get me wrong, Jade's my sis... Rose like it... and Dave's my bro but... the blood on my hands that breaks me down every night is..." he broke off to wipe rouge tears away as the spilled like rain down his face. Mind reeling and breath hitching Karkat knew what was coming next. This was it, all of the cards were drawn and they were lost to the world in this bubble they've made. 

"It's too red, Karkat. It's too bright, too unearthly... too alien..." A slight sob escaped as he turned tear soaked eyes to the troll, "It's all yours, Karkat... all yours... I can't watch you die again. I can't do it." Then grey arms were wrapped tightly around the boney boy, his normally supple human flesh withered and brittle under Alternian hardened hands. "They don't understand. No one but you does. I can expect you to follow me out into the freezing night air to keep me safe and sound and they don't even understand that I am depressed!" Somewhere in his tirade John let go to pick up a smooth wishing stone from under the root beside them.

He chucked it as hard as he could in an attempt to calm himself. Picking up another in his fit he held on like it was his only lifeline. "But you... you can detect any change in me." He murmured, "I can't hide the feelings from you, the feelings of lonelyness and abandonment. It feels like I'm being seen through." A humorless laugh bubbled in his chest as he watched the slowly sinking sun. "My almighty God has shown me mercies my friends couldn't even fathom."

"Give them some slack, Egderp." Karkat finally mused, voice softer then normal. "They know as much as your pathetic human think pan allows." John smiled a smidgen, but it was gone before Karkat could bring it forth more. 

"I want to die sometimes." He muttered darkly, eyes smoldering over with a depression filled vice. "For real this time. Like my dad..." Karkat studied the listless lapping waters. The best thing to do was let to heir speak once he started like this. He knew it, but hearing the depression was eating him alive chilled Karkat to the bone. It was getting hard to breathe and he vaguely wondered how John was even able to still breathe himself. 

It was cold, impossibly so, and crisp. The air was congealing in the pit of his stomach. Suffocating and awakening. Cancerous red orbs studied the lake below them as the air spoke again. "It’s hard to explain why you're upset sometimes. Why no matter what you do a dark grip holds your feelings in a vice. It's hard, impossible, to explain why you cry, why you get lonely, why you want to be alone. You don't want to hurt anymore... but you don't want to hurt anyone else either. So you bottle it up." His blue eyes danced across the clear night sky. The pin pricks of light glinting back in a resounding echo of time. "But... sometimes you just can't anymore, and the bottle breaks." His clenched hands dropped the pebble he'd been gripping since the sun went down. A hollow clink of stone on stone filled the air between them.

A thousand years stretched between them before Karkat finally found his voice again, trembling ever so slightly. "It doesn't have to get to that though. Egbert. You know I'm here whenever you need me to listen to your pathetic human problems." John would never admit it but the familiar bite to the trolls words was comforting as he tumbled back to the cold reality. "Look, you dieing would only cause more unneeded pain and suffering. I know it will be hard for your tiny thinkpan to wrap around this concept but I am not black for you. I do not wish to see you hurting."

Karkat's hand weaseled it's way back to John's and he muttered, his façade he'd had in place since learning his blood colour slipping to reveal a battered hurting Alternian teen, "I'm actually quite... red for you, John. I was deluding myself." Neither looked at the other, neither moved, neither breathed. Honestly what was there to really say or do. They were always flirting with the prospect, but neither would give up their dignity and admit it. "It's asinine and stupid and unfair." He paused to finally look up at the sky blue eyes trained motionless on the ever expanding heavens. "Your stupid buck teeth... and blue eyes I drown in... Fuck John. You know this already."

John turned slightly to gaze at Karkat through a window of sudden understanding as the mutant growled that he was 'more then fucking flushed for the dork.'

"It's funny to think you'd actually like me. I don't even like me." John's hand shook in it's grey enclosure. "I really can't fathom it after all, can I?" The owners voice rang clear as a Catholic Cathedral on Sunday morning. The tone rising up like the Gothic spires.

"That's why I'm here. To pity your sorry ass when even you don't want to." Sharp teeth poked out from ashen lips in a rare smile as he leaned over and gently nudged him. This was what they had been trying to do from the start. This quiet time alone, for themselves, giving in to their hearts most intimate and forbidden desires. They needed each other more then anything. As reassurance, as a reality check, as a voice if reason... one that understood. 

"I think I'm ready now Karkat." The voice shook with terror, and unrivaled determination but no uncertainty shook his frame though worry was still seeping from his fingers. "We can do this... right? Together." The hands were brought to his lips and the smiles they had been denied finally broke through. 'Together.' Karkat reassured, not sure if it even ever fell from his lips. The bubbling in his chest was greater then he had ever felt before as John laid his head on his trolls shoulder. "I love you Karkat."

And the feeling exploded. Warmth spread to every inch of his body igniting the dieing embers to a blazing wildfire. His free hand twitched next to his pocket. Want desperatly to just hold the other. Instead it slipped into his pocket and pulled out a small red box, the breath symbol printed neatly and elegantly untop it. He set it on John's leg to nudge it forward slightly. "When times get rough... just remember I'm still here." John looked at the box then Karkat's bright red eyes glowing satin against slowly falling velvet.

Opening the lid a smile blossomed on the humans face at the sight of two shining and humming crystals. A bead of blue topped on, candy red the other. "I had to improvise the blood stone on yours..." the presenter rambled nervously, "since you aren't a troll and couldn't actually prov-"

"I love it." As the two stones were separated the humming died away to leave warmth radiating from the stone top. John slipped his blue necklace around his neck and held the trinket in his palm. Admiring the starlights reflected in the smooth facets. When he finally broke his trans and looked back up Karkat had his own hanging delicately between his collarbones. "Matesprit." He muttered softly, his prominent overbite flashing as he smiled. "It that what we are now?"

"We always have been fuckass." Karkat flushed cherry at the word. How long had his soul been fighting his mind on this? His instincts were buzzing and relishing in the fact that it's mission of filling the most vital quadrant was completed finally. "Matesprits, like Kismesises, are destined. You are born with a Matesprit, finding them is the task... your hear just knows. When I met you I knew, and fought the losing battle to protect your stupid asinine no homo human views." He sighed in resignation, "No one realized the bond could transcend species though." His sunburst eyes locked on sky blue as he whispered, "Will you accept the invitation sent by Prospit and Derse themselves and take your place at my side as the Matesprit I know you can be?"

A flashed smile, sparkling tears, flailing limbs, and both boys on the ground. Pearls of choaked sobs and laughter as the clung to each other. Who could break a bond that strong anyway? Who would want to try? john thought as he brought both hands to Karkat's face and smashed it against his own. Both smilingly as fat tears spilled, both shining translucent and dazzling ruby. Karkat's head fell back in the soft grass around the base of the tree, the weight atop his stomach comforting and welcomed as he drew the boy closer, finally holding him. 

It was much later then they had expected when the two felt the cold air chill their bones. They had been sitting there, just talking. About everything and yet nothing. Listening to the gentle lapping of water in rocks and the hopes, dreams, and demons each held deep in their hearts. The game was at a frightening standstill and the Knight and King stood side by side, hand in hand ready to face what may come. They both knew however what it was that must be faced now. The others. The thought of their faces when explained to, rather cruedly if Karkat had his way made them both giggle like school girls.

They stood to leave with a gentle breeze ushering them on. Whispering of a sweeter, calmer peace to come. As Karkat started down the side of the hill he had climbed long before a slight tug at his sweater stopped him wordlessly. Turning back to look at the boy with a raised eyebrow John muttered a bright blush blooming on his cheeks, "Could I getano..." he trailed off so the other couldn't hear. A raised eyebrow and a slight shit eating grin. He knew what the other wanted... and in his state of perpetual bliss who was he to deny it. Leaning forward the troll captured the humans lips in another, more chaste and gentle kiss. A happy sigh left John's lips as they parted again, a picture of pure bliss. Karkat chirped in pleasure at the sight and nuzzled his matesprit's cheek once before turning tail and heading down the slope. John following at his heels.

"Did you just chirp at me?" The human giggled, Karkat merely flushed deeper and brighter red as he swong the door open to the the other pass quietly. The feelings that usually hit John while entering didn't appear at the for front in his mind, and the resounding murmur was enough to make the Cancer beside him nod once then purr in agreement. It wasn't as if it was a secret. By anyone's standards, they just didn't come out and say it. It mattered none though in the warm confounds of the hut. A plethera of colour already knew, they could feel it, sense it, taste the change as the leaders reentered from the empty and vast outside.

Jade eyes smiled knowingly and the platinum blonde nudged her side. Even the humans could no doubt feel the weighted yet uplifting feeling that entered. Rose nodded once smiling her warm smile, Kanaya's features imitating it in motherly fashions. The air around them became slightly easier to breathe, though the threat was still imminent. This new feeling was pure pity, pure love. 

The presence of new matespritship. John studied the floor with utmost devotion as the two strode toward the large blazing fire that the forest green cat was curled up in front of. The sounds of Nepeta's content purring snore brought a wholly welcomed calm. Her kneeding fingers worked idlely on the plush carpet, Feferi was sprawled out delicately beside her with Jade in tow. 

Heir and Knight found themselves in a peaceful bubble of happiness as they sat amongst their friends. The grip on John's heart was still ever present, but the grip around his waist kept him grounded for the first time since this nightmare of a game had begun. The warm stone hung lightly around his neck. Tucked away under the fabric. 

Stealing a look at his matesprit the bucktoothed boy, man, smiled softly at the sight of the Cancer purring in content beside him, much like the females on the floor. His red eyes were drooping and a lazy half smile played at the corners of his lips. John could see the light glow of vermilion beneath the charcoal shirt, a warm feeling bubbled to life as he reached for his own. 

Yeah, it was hard sometimes... but there's always someone who cares. John settled in, burrowing into the folds on the Cancer's shirt in content. Yes it wasn't a happy ending, but it was a nice filler for a shity game.

**Author's Note:**

> First homestuck fanfic. Mmm... took some liberties in troll culture. |D


End file.
